


Festival Of Stars

by poyitjdr



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Angst, Drama, Fluff, Minor Jade Harley/Rose Lalonde, Minor John Egbert/Dave Strider, Multi, Royalty AU, Slow Burn, but with a twist, by minor i mean awkwardly arranged marriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-12-30 18:01:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12114189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poyitjdr/pseuds/poyitjdr
Summary: Dave Strider has grown up hating the Zodiacs- gods that betrayed the human race in an act that left the world divided into two kingdoms. After that, they disappeared without a trace. A battle broke out between the kingdoms Derse and Prospit. Now 20 years old, Dave and his twin Rose must find a way to end the bloodshed that began before they were born. But when strangers show up at Derse, Dave finds his life turned upside down in a series of choices that could either save or destroy the world as he knows it.ORRoyalty, betrayal, sword fights, and dick jokes. Modern Shakespeare for the poetic soul.





	1. Prologue

There’s a story your mother would only whisper to you and Rose in the shelter of night. A tale from her childhood. It’s strange to think how you used to sit cross-legged on the floor, hands curled in your lap as you gazed up in utter awe at the incredible descriptions. Your mother would smile kindly and your head would lean into her scarred hands. 

“My beautiful children,” she would tell you, “when I was your age there lived a mighty and powerful group of people. They were called the Zodiacs. It is said the very stars shone through their skin. At this time, Skaia had lived happily as one large and prosperous kingdom. And once a month there would be a celebration held in the name of each Zodiac. They were called the Festivals of Stars. Every Zodiac would make an appearance at their event and it was a spectacular sight.” She would always pause with a wistful glance out the window before returning to meet your eager gaze. A smile would tug at her mouth at that.

“It was at Scorpio’s celebration that our world changed forever. I remember her well- she stood tall, an imposing grey figure that radiated white pinpoints of light. Her hair was twisted into eight strands that dragged on the ground and never had I been so terribly frightened. A goddess stood before me and there was evil gleaming in her eyes. Her fingers pointed daggers at the crowd with the accusation of betrayal.

People stood against her, outraged at such a claim. She took this as proof of our treachery and hurt many people in retaliation. I was kicked by her into one of the fires. I survived, but not without scars. It was my own mother who defended me, your grandmother. She grabbed a sword from a soldier and thrust it into Scorpio. Light poured from the wound and life fell from her eyes. No longer was she glowing- instead she lay in a heap on the ground. 

There was much discussion over what to do about this act against the Zodiacs- and your grandmother was severely punished. Prospit and Derse formed in respect to who agreed with her act. Prospit believed she was wrong and we, Derse, defended her until the end and defend her still. We two kingdoms have been in a state of war ever since. But what was worse was the utter silence from the gods. After the death of Scorpio, they disappeared. No one has heard or seen them since.”

“Why?” It was always Rose that asked.

“No one really knows, my darlings. All we can be sure of is that they can no longer be trusted. That is if they are still out there. Prospit believes this is simply a test for humanity to see how we handle affairs on our own. Derse values what we know we can trust and now the Zodiacs have proven themselves unfit for this honor.”


	2. Best. Birthday. Ever.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Rose are celebrating their 20th birthdays! Featuring Ben Stiller, Rose being the lovely lesbian she was born to be, sword fights, and... Karkat trying to run? Guess you should read it to find out if he was successful or not.

Celebrations at the Derse Palace have always been a grand spectacle. The ballroom is filled with dancers all moving together and your head is filled with boredom. You’ve been sitting on your throne next to Rose for 20 minutes or so, simply watching the dignitaries interact. Of course, you could only observe the sea of backstabbers for so long and now you let your eyes trail over the silver draperies that all meet at the apex of the ceiling. There’s a large chandelier that hangs from the same point, creating shadows across the deep purple floor tiles. It’s a sight envied by most of the Derse populations. You find it a bit too elegant for your own tastes, but you left the designs to your sister this time. She wasn’t fond of your choices, which made it look like a village. Pigs and chickens included. You found it to be a wonderfully hilarious situation. Who would expect that from the grandest of buildings?

You close your eyes to relive the memory, careful to keep your face blank. It would not bode well if you were to smile when nothing had happened to incur such a reaction. Appearance is much to large an issue. One sign of weakness and the people revolt. Awful memories pound at your skull and you shove them away, then turn to Rose. She catches your eyes, smiles, stands, and begins to walk towards the ballroom floor. You follow suite and spend a few songs dancing with her and your people. No words are spoken between you. Who needs them when each look tells you all you need to know?

This is how you mutually agree to cease dancing for a time. She gives you a nod and walks to converse with a small group of noblewomen. You make your way to the refreshment table and order a glass of apple juice. The server, Ben Stiller, gives you a knowing smile as he hands you your wine glass. You don’t like the Zodiacs, but if they were the creators of this incredible nectar, then they couldn’t be all bad.

“Excuse me, your majesty.” The server speaks quietly as you sip. “I wish to congratulate you and your sister on your birthdays. However, I and the others cannot help but wonder when you might begin searching for a partner. You are 20 now and Rose has had her fair share of romances. Even now she is happily conversing with a beautiful madam.” You follow his trail of sight and see that he is correct. Rose is smiling lightly at a tall, slender woman. The stranger is indeed stunning and she has a smile of her own for your sister.

“That is pretty bold of you to say, about me I mean.” You turn back to him with a gleam in your eye and your glass to your lips. Ben is one of your very few ex-lovers, but he has always acted in your best interest. “I’m sure the others are quite worried over who I will marry. I’m sure our mutual past has nothing to do with your asking at all.”

His cheeks flare slightly. “Regardless, everyone is curious. There are many eyes on you tonight. Remember that this is Derse and you hold access to another throne. Be wary tonight, my prince.” He stares right through your shades where he knows your eyes are. Sometimes, you miss having him as near as he once was. His eyes are on yours for a few seconds more before he looks away to attend to another guest. Those old days are over now. You chose that. You were the one that walked away from him. His heart still sits on his sleeve, waiting for you to take it back. But you couldn’t force yourself to love him in the way he needed. No matter how wonderful he was, you never suffered from the dancing nerves in your stomach like you had heard so much about.

Marriage is also an iffy subject for you. You have difficulty caring for people that you don’t already know and trust. Forget about a romantic love. It’s even harder as a prince. There is so little trust in your heart for anyone who bats their eyelashes at you or speaks sweet words. Like Ben said, Dersites love having power and you have the means for them to obtain it. How does Rose do it? Your eyes fall on her again, watching her speak with the stranger. Her body language is completely open now. Like all the treachery of the people has fallen away, leaving her alone with this gentle smiled woman. How can Rose trust someone so much? Someone that you have never met?

Your feet begin to guide you towards her when you notice another stranger. He appears to be about your height, if not shorter and his frown seems to take up his entire face. His black attire stands out from the violet cloth around him. You can practically see the anger radiating from his body as he storms up to Rose’s stranger. The women both turn to him and you glimpse a flash of surprise on Rose’s face. Worry stitches itself into your side and you quietly make your way through the crowd. You’ve lost sight of them, but you can hear the sound of voices quickly rising. The words themselves are unclear amongst the murmurings of bystanders.

You finally find yourself in front of the trio, only to be shocked still. The two strangers are changing. It’s like a flickering candle, for one moment the original image of them stand strong, but it disappears for a moment before returning. It drops entirely as they keep arguing. Their skin is now gray and horns reach through their hair. The white of their eyes burn yellow, but none of this compares to the bright pinpoints of light radiating from their bodies. It’s them.

The Zodiacs have returned.

There’s a collective gasp through the crowd and this seems to shock the gods before you. The male turns and his stars burn brighter.

“What are you all looking at?” He demands in a sneering voice. “Are you surprised? Shocked even? We never left you festering shitbags. You petulant murderers! We’re still here! And I’m here to stop you humans from fucking shit up forever!” His glare flashes at who you now believe to be Virgo from the stars in her chest. “I’m here to stop anyone from fucking up everything we have done!” Virgo’s mouth has formed a hard frown and he looks away. She meets your sister’s eyes and quietly leaves. Rose has some explaining to do. “And I’m here to help end the foolish war you imbeciles have been fighting. Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider, we need to have a little talk.”

“Very well.” Her head bow is respectful, but the venom in her voice is clear. “Brother dear, I believe it is time to end our little party. If you would.”

“Alright everyone, time to gather your things and get the hell out. We’ll tell you what happens tonight in the morning. In a grand proclamation. Thank you for coming and goodbye.” You bow over exaggeratedly and turn to the Zodiac. “So, which one are you?”

“I thought you were supposed to be somewhat intelligent. I’m the one you will take to a private room for our discussion.” His arms cross over his chest defiantly.

“Okay then Mr. High and Mighty. Rose, care to clarify?”

“This would be Cancer. A very loud-mouthed and rude Zodiac.” She picks up her skirts and leads the way to one of the reading rooms. You didn’t even know this one was here. She shoves the door open and holds it for you and Cancer. “Now, what matter shall we be discussing?”

“Your dislike of me is obvious, you don’t have to exaggerate your attitude so much.” Rose snorts haughtily at that. “I am here to offer an end to the bloodshed of your war against Prospit. You are both of age to marry, correct? Correct. It would happen that the heirs of Prospit are of the same age. You should both know that being a leader requires sacrifice.”

“No. We won’t do it. I know what you’re getting at and the answer is absolutely not. You called us murderers, but do you know what they have done? Do you?”

“Strider, is it? I know what you believe they have done. Which they didn’t do at all. That would be your own people, the ones I called murderers. Derse is a nasty place to live, full of nasty humans who revel in bloodshed.”

“Your people would know all about that, wouldn’t they Zodiac? Just how many of us did Scorpio kill? How many homes did she destroy?” You are standing toe to toe with him. Flecks of red decorate his gray iris’. You push your glasses up to hide your own red eyes. He doesn’t need to know that you have a strange similarity.

“That was her choice and she acted alone.” He eyes you carefully before looking over to Rose. “Think about it. The end of your war, peace amongst the people, trade resuming once more and boosting your failing economy. Soldiers who get to return home to their families. Isn’t that worth it in the end? You’ve never even met the Prospitian heirs. Who is to say that you wouldn’t fall in love with them if given the opportunity?”

“How can we know that we will not hate each other? That there will be no backstabbing? How can you say that you are sure that they aren’t murderers? Tell me, do you know why our parents are not here with us?” Rose is seething at this point and you make no move to calm her. She’s right.

“I do. Prospit was framed. There are some who benefit from war. Some who want to be sure it continues so they can continue to line their pockets with more gold. Think about it, your parents were developing a truce, were they not? Prospit does not enjoy war the way your people do. If anything, they should be the ones worried about backstabbing. You know this is true, but you refuse to face it because it’s easier for you to accept that strangers ended your parents lives than people you have come to trust.”

“You said people we have come to trust. Can you be more specific?”

“In fact, yes, I can, Strider. You may want to sit. I may be an asshole, but I’m not cruel.” You continue to stand and he sighs. “I can name for certainty all that helped in your parents’ murder. One of those is a Ben Stiller. Who I understand to have been of some importance to you.”

“He wouldn’t. He had no reason. He doesn’t profit from the war.”

“He profits from being paid to take a part by someone who needs the war.” Your hand curls into a fist and your fingernails bite into your hands. Let it leave marks, you think. Let your hands be scarred like your mother’s once were.

“Why should we believe you? You’ve been gone all this time and you return to tell us to marry strangers that we are at war with! You tell us that we have been betrayed by our only friends! Why should we believe a god that abandoned us? Tell me that, Zodiac.”

“We left because you killed one of our own and we were frightened. By the time we checked on you again, which was only a year later, a war had broken out. You are the ones that started this war. You said yourself you are at war with strangers. You are leaders and it is irresponsible to fight a war simply for pride! There is no other reason to continue fighting than that. You could meet and befriend these strangers you are trying to kill and you may find that they are innocent. You can end this useless war!”

“If you are right about our people and we do try, how can you be sure that our people won’t come for us?”

“I can’t. But I can offer protection. I can personally see that you make it through this.” He looks between the two of you. “I am not one to makes deals and lie as I watch them fall apart into an apocalyptic shit-storm.” You look to Rose’s now stony face and take a deep breath. You know what must be done, but your hatred is overwhelming. She looks back at you with a weak smile. So, that’s her answer then.

“Cancer?” His eyebrows raise, “We agree to the arrangement if Prospit does as well.”

“It’s nice to see that some people have common sense after all. I have a meeting to make. Lalonde, Strider.” He nods his head and walks out the door.

“They have glowing stars in their bodies and they can control their appearances, but they can’t magically disappear or anything?”

“They have a device that they use to transfer their bodies, but they are set in certain places. He’ll probably use the one in the garden.”

“How do you know about those?”

“Mother used to tell us about them. Don’t you remember?”

“Not really, but my memory of her isn’t as good as it once was.” You collapse into an armchair with a huff.

“I know.” There’s a beat of silence and you both stare at the sudden crackle of the fireplace. It’s casting long shadows across the room and it makes Rose look even more tired. “Are you scared, Dave? We’re going to marry complete strangers.”

“Are you?” You study her face with dismay as she drops all appearances.

“Completely terrified.” When did she get so old? When did you both get so old? What happened to those bright children you used to be? It seems like those days are a lifetime away.

“I’ll be by your side the entire time.” You give her an exaggerated bow from your seat and she releases a shaky laugh.

“I could actually use some time to myself for now. Thank you though, Dave.”

“I’ll see you in the morning then. For our grand announcement. Where someone may try to kill us. Wonderful. Bye, Rose.” She probably didn’t hear most of that, thankfully. You tend to mumble far too much. Whatever the case, she doesn’t comment on it and you leave her in her silence. You figure its best to try and get some rest so you’ll have energy for tomorrow.

You’re in your room contemplating everything Cancer told you, when your night servant announces you have a visitor. With a sigh, you stand and give the command to let them in. They leave to do so and you look down into the gardens outside your window. According to Rose, the Zodiacs have a way to enter and leave there. Your eyes rake over the hedges and flowers when you see a small flash of light and what appears to be Cancer sprinting towards the castle.

“Your majesty, your guest awaits you in your parlor, unless you would like to visit with him in here instead. I understand you have had a long day.”

“I can meet them in the parlor. Give me just a moment.” Why would Cancer be back already? And why was he running? You turn away and step towards your parlor. Those questions could wait until you had dealt with your guest. It was probably a reporter begging for early details or something like that. The night servant opens the door and slams it shut with a click as soon as you step through. Fuck. That can’t be good. You can only see the dark hair on top of your visitor’s head, but you have a feeling you know exactly who it is. Cancer was here to keep his word, then.

Ben stands up and pokes at your fireplace. “People need to learn how to stoke a fire better. It’s not difficult to learn. I picked it up at a rather fast pace though, so perhaps it is not my place to speak down on others. Do you know how to keep a fire burning, Dave? How to fan it just right so that it rages?”

“I know what you did.”

“You had to interrupt, didn’t you? You always were jealous of my ability to turn a phrase. Funny, how we would joke that you should have trained to be a bard instead of the failure of a fighter you are now. Does that hurt to hear? I have to ask, since you are inhuman and unable to show any emotion. You are broken, Dave Strider. You are broken and that is part of the reason I couldn’t love you. Why no one can really love you. Even your sister has slipped away from you.” You control your boiling resentment and hatred and keep your face cool. Ben lifts the poker from the fire and you can see it’s white hot tip as he points it at your face. “You are a broken tool, foolish and cowardly and I am going to stain this godsawful rug red with your blood.”

“Not likely, you traitorous bastard.” You unsheathe your sword and slash diagonally at him on an exhale. He blocks with the poker and kicks at you. You dodge with a simple three-point turn, keeping the poker trapped above you. You twist your sword arm so he is forced to move the poker to the side instead. His weapon is on your right and he raises it high and brings it down, but not before you see through his obvious actions and side step him. The fucker actually growls at you and jabs. You parry with your sword tip pointing down and flex your arm muscles like you are about to attack. He falls for it and you fake him out with a powerful kick to his crotch. He collapses and you grab his head between your hands and bring your knee up for a quick meeting with his nose. Ben lies motionless on the ground and you sheathe your sword.

You take a moment to shake off the adrenaline rush before going to the hall door. There’s harsh pounding on the other side and you unlock it from the inside. Cancer stumbles inside with sickles in his hands. His gaze flickers from you to the body on the ground and he has the gall to look surprised. He opens his mouth to speak, but he stops and furrows his brow. He puts the sickles back into their holsters and sighs. The stars on his chest dim.

Your head spins with things to say. ‘Better late than never’ or ‘I guess this means you were right’, but all you can manage is an eloquent “Uh.”

“Looks like you’re an okay fighter after all. Are you hurt anywhere?” He looks down at the blood on your knee with mild concern.

“That’s uh- that’s not mine. I’m fine as fine can be. You should see the other guy.”

“I can see the other guy. Did you kill him?”

“Nah, he should just have a nasty concussion and broken nose. I might be a Dersite, but I’m no killer. Anyways, I’m okay. Sooo, you can leave now.”

“You and Lalonde need protection for tonight. There’s no telling who all might have heard what happened tonight. Either I stay or you appoint a trusted guard.”

“I can obviously take care of myself, but a guard won’t hurt. I’ll be back in just a moment. Stay put.” You make your way through the winding halls to the barracks and demand to see your hunting guards. They stand before you blank-faced, awaiting your command. “There has just been an attempt on my life. You have both helped protect me and my sister in the forests, so I trust that you will protect us now. Jeff, with me. Edward, go to my sister.” They do as you say and you go back to your room. Jeff stands outside the door, ready to defend you at a moment’s notice.

Cancer is sitting on the window ledge when you enter. “How did you know I was going to be in trouble?”

“I saw Stiller coming to visit.”

“Yeah, but how? Is it a freaky stalker thing?”

“We are able to observe you from screens and I was watching to make sure you weren’t in danger.”

“It is a freaky stalker thing. Great. My ex tries to murder me and I’m being stalked by gods. Best. Birthday. Ever.”

“Stop being such a drama queen and go to sleep.”

“Stop being creepy and leave.” Cancer glares at you, but he exits your room nonetheless. You remove your sword and hilt before collapsing on your bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very amused with myself regarding Ben Stiller being one of Dave's ex-lovers. I simply couldn't resist such a ridiculous plot point. Anyways, I suppose I should explain the trolls situation because they aren't really gods so to speak. They played sgrub and it happened pretty much exactly as it did in canon, save for Vriska surviving. But she died anyways because fuck her. The biggest difference is instead of them popping in on humanity in the 2000's, they popped up in like the 1400's. Or some indeterminate year because I simply do not give a fuck about that. Thanks for reading!!!


	3. To Be or Not to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Rose finally meet their sworn enemies. Jade is buff and John is... John. Is meeting your enemies turned future spouses always this awkward?

Apparently, Cancer was eager to get a move on with his whole plan to marry you off to the enemy because you are currently waiting for them to arrive at Alternia. It’s a neutral village between your kingdoms and it’s home to your meeting room. You await your fate on the stairs with your sister who looks as stone faced as ever. You discreetly nudge her with your elbow and she remains looking forward.

“So, is this fucked up or what.”

“It’s fucked up. But please, tame your sense of humor for a while. I’m still not quite prepared for this.”

“Okay Rosie, deal. But you need to smile at least a little bit. Use your smile for me. It may be sarcastic and sassy as fuck, but it’s better than what you look like now.”

“You should never insult a lady’s looks, Dave. It’s incredibly rude.”

“So is not smiling at your future fiancée. Fuck, that’s actually going to be a thing now.”

“Yes. Yes, it is.”

“I feel so bad for yours. I mean, just look what they have to put up with.”

“I’ll be surprised if yours doesn’t take off running the other way within the first 10 minutes.”

“And you were saying I’m incredibly rude, tsk Miss Lalonde. You could stand to learn a thing or two about manners yourself.”

“Well, I couldn’t be completely perfect, now could I? That just wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“Right you are Lalonde, right you are.”

“As I always am dear broth-“ Her words falter as a golden carriage pulls closer. “er.” It takes only a minute for it to be in front of you. Then your enemies are stepping down to meet you for the first time.

They look like siblings, but hardly like twins. Jade, the princess, is at the very least 6 feet tall with an athletic build that is accentuated by her closely fitting sleeves. She has some serious muscle on her. John however, appears closer to 5’6”and is far chubbier. They both sport goofy grins and they seem to radiate a playful energy; they are also both incredibly attractive in their own ways; they have dark skin and thick dark hair that poofs in unfortunate places. Both are also sporting glasses, making Rose the only one without eyewear.

It takes no time for them to be extending their hands in greeting. You go to shake John’s and he giggles out a “too slow” and pretends to smooth back his hair. He gets an eyebrow from you in response. His face falls slightly, but he shakes your hand for real this time. When you shake Jade’s hand, your hand is trapped in a tight hold. She also towers over you with sparkling green eyes; a stark contrast to the deep blue in John’s eyes.

“Now that we have completed introductions, I suggest we proceed inside to further discuss our situation.” Rose speaks with determined strength that nearly makes your eyes roll. Nonetheless, everyone does as she asks and you all sit yourselves at a circular table in the main room. The table is covered with elaborate artwork. It depicts both Derse and Prospit meeting in the center to create Alternia, the place of neutrality. Alternia was created when the war was forming as a way for those who disagreed or agreed or even just did not care enough to fight. Hundreds fled to the town and it functioned on its own.

“Anyone else feel like Cancer should be here?” Your voice surprises you at first. You have a horrid tendency to talk before you’ve thought it through. Luckily everyone seems to agree with you on this matter.

“He is the one that wants to set all this up, so yes, I think he should be here.” Jade seems a little pissed off herself. Good. You think everyone should be. John shrugs and nods up at her.

“Yeah, I think you’re right.”

“The matter of his attendance is certainly agreed upon, but I doubt much can be done about it. At least we all have this in common.”

“Very true, Rose.” You allow the slightest smile, “So I guess I’ll start us off then. I’m Dave and I like long walks on the beach. Whew- glad I got that one of my chest. So, who’s next?” John snorts and raises his hand. “Go ahead Mr. Egbert.”

“I’m John and I like making people laugh!” You lightly applaud him.

“Thank you for sharing John. Next?” You gesture to the two women in the room. Rose stands.

“I am Rose, as my dear brother previously mentioned, and I particularly enjoy reading and writing.” She gives a small curtsy and reseats herself. Jade doesn’t even waste a moment.

“I’m Jade and best for last, I guess! I like science and plants!” That is not quite what you had imagined at all. Maybe working out or some type of sport. She has some serious arm muscles.

“So now that we all know a little bit about each other, how about we split up with our future partners?” John smiles at everyone and you agree except for…

“We’ve already decided that?” This kid is good at making your eyebrow run off on its own.

“Well obviously! I’ll be with Rose and Jade will be with you! Isn’t that what Cancer told you? Besides, that would make us all homosexuals if we did it a different way.” He says it so matter-of-factly. You’re about to reply when Rose speaks over you.

“Of course. Shall we then, John?” She stands and offers an arm. You keep your face even, but wonder what your giant lesbian of a sister is playing at. Looks like you’re with Jade.

“Indeed, we shall, Rose!” He takes her arm and they walk out of the room.

“So, Dave, I saw a garden not far from here, would you like to go see it with me?” Jade grins at you with her eyes alone. Maybe Cancer was right because you can’t even see the slightest hint of malice in them.

“Lead the way, Jade.” You both stand and she does take control. You almost have difficulty keeping up with her hurried pace. She leads you to a hedge maze and takes two lefts, then a right, then another left to a bench. She takes a seat and motions for you to do the same.

“Please excuse John. He grew up in a different kind of place where not all are so accepting of differences. I grew up closer to this area. I used to make a lot of visits here, in fact. Anyways, that’s not what we should really be discussing, is it? We should probably talk about the fact that the Zodiacs expect us to marry.”

“Expect us? You don’t want us too?” You’re shocked. These are the ones that are supposed to adore the Zodiacs after all.

“No? Not really? I think it would make things complicated. Where would we all live? Would the marriages be healthy? You can hardly rule a kingdom if your thoughts are preoccupied by how miserable you are.” You hum in agreement. “Also, I may be a Prospitian, but even I don’t take too kindly to being bossed around about such matters. No matter who it is. I was born and raised to be headstrong and that is exactly what I am. I know myself well enough that though I believe you and I could become friends, you are not someone that I would be happy with in a marriage. Especially when considering what everyone expects to come out of a marriage. Not that I don’t think you are good looking- I’m just a very personality based typed individual. Looks just don’t matter to me.”

“I can pretty much agree with all of that, thank fuck.” You huff in relief. “But an order is an order and while I won’t kiss anyone’s boots either, I think this is an issue that should be carefully resolved. So, let’s resolve it. I know Rose wouldn’t be happy with John either because that’s just not her way of life. She would be much happier with you, honestly. I think marriage to resolve issues like this is just a load of horse shit. It’s awkward for everyone involved.”

“I’m glad to hear that you are on my side. I was worried with how you were acting before. You Dersites are so good at being diplomatic. Actually, what if we found another way to resolve the war?”

“Diplomacy? Coming to a truce?” She nods fervently, “This discussion is more fit for Rose, if I’m honest. I’m the fighter and she’s the whatever. Diplomat. Should we go find her?”

“Sounds great to me. Perhaps we can come to an understanding with the war.” That’s right, these are your enemies. They just seemed like such normal people, even with their gaudy yellow clothes. You two begin the search for your siblings. It takes a small while, but when you do find them they are deeply engrossed in a topic. Rose looks exceptionally well put together and John is her exact opposite. His hands are waving around as he speaks enthusiastically; his hair and outfit are now a mess.

“Excuse us, Rose and John. We have come to an agreement and wish to speak with you about it and get your input.” Rose stares you in the eyes, regardless of your shades, and walks towards you. “I think you’ll both be happy with our idea.”

“Sounds like you’ve been stirring up trouble brother dear.”

“As always, sister dear. Jade and I have discussed the matter of marriage and- “

“We don’t have to marry! We could just form a truce! A platonic truce!” Jade excitedly points out for you both.

“I… had actually thought that matter over already and there are two issues with that idea. One, our people already know and changing the information to something that will be less secure will frighten them. This may not be a large issue in Prospit, but we must look out for our own kingdom that would very much be affected by this information. Two, it is less secure and if we look to truly end this war, then such a bond is best to negate potential risks. Dave and I have already been betrayed by our own citizens. They beat us to our own announcement this morning, in fact. We were forced to admit that the rumor circulating is indeed true. There are some who need this war for financial gain. They will stop at nothing to ensure their pockets are lined with coin. It’s unfortunate, but such are our circumstances. I’m afraid marriage is truly the best option here. No offense meant to either of you fine people.”

“This is why we talk to Rose about things like this.” You defeatedly gesture to your sister. “Anyways, I’m sure we can discuss details with planners and such. I just have one question for everyone.” They look at you expectantly, “Does anyone know why they would choose to come back now?” Your gaze flicks to Rose and takes in the smallest admission of guilt in her face. Of course, last night. That woman. The one who turned out to be a Zodiac. You are so having a conversation with her later about that.

John and Jade look at each other and both shrug. They have no idea, then. Your expression turns slightly stern as you study Rose. “I haven’t figured that part out yet either. Sorry to disappoint, brother.”

“Well, that’s that then. I suppose we should set an agreed date. For our weddings.”

“How about June?” There’s a small chorus of agreement. “June 12th? It’s a Saturday and gives us plenty of planning time.” Jade searches your faces for approval and receives it. “Great, it’s settled then! I guess we can wrap this little meeting of ours up then. We can send our designers here to meet in a week or so. We should also probably hold the wedding here as a sign of diplomacy.”

“Naturally, Jade. Well then, I suppose we shall be on our way. It was enchanting meeting the both of you. Until next time. John; Jade.” Rose curtsies and walks towards the purple carriage.

“See you later, Prospitians.” You bow and follow your sister. Your driver opens the door for you and you step inside with a quiet ‘thanks’. Rose waits until the door is shut to nearly break down into tears. It breaks your heart to see her like this. She’s always so strong. You never thought she would take something like this so hard; it’s not like she grew up fantasizing about falling in love and marrying for that reason. Nonetheless, she looks broken apart. She startles at your hand on her shoulder and covers it with her own.

“Thank you, Dave. I’m sure this is difficult for you as well.”

“It is, but at least I have the chance to fall for my match. You deserve to cry right now. Let it out and just think about how we’ll make the best of this. We always do.” You give her one of your rare smiles and her lip quirks up on one side. “There’s my sister. Knew you were in there somewhere. You’re definitely the smart one, by the way. I thought we had a solution and I just ran with it without much thought. My only thought was to bring it to you, actually. Go ahead, let that inflate your ego for now.” She rolls her eyes and you sit in comfortable silence for the rest of the trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "That would make us all homosexuals" is probably by far THE most incredible line that I will ever write. Also, lots of sibling snark because I have 8 of those things. Or 9. Who even knows anymore? Not me.   
> ANYWAYS, happy update! Next chapter will be up around Friday or Saturday. Don't quote me on that.


	4. 1-800-how-to-summon-obnoxious-asshole-gods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave needs 1-800-how-to-summon-obnoxious-asshole-gods. Featuring: CRAB, banter, and some piss poor excuse for plot.

When you awake the next morning, there are questions burning in your mind. Questions that you doubt anyone you know could answer. For the first time in your life, you decide to turn to a Zodiac for help.

 The problem is, you don’t actually know how to summon a Zodiac or get their attention or whatever it is you’re supposed to do. You figured standing in the maze by their travelling channel and shouting would work. Spoiler: apparently not. You’ve been here for 30 minutes and your voice is beginning to go raw as you shout for Cancer to get his ass down here pronto, if you would so very please. Of course, you could have been sidetracked at one point and started rambling rhymes at the sky. That may have even happened a couple of times. Regardless, you are still alone in this awful hedge maze.

 It’s been an hour and you’ve resolved to pouting at the sky like a child. They’ve done it. They’ve broken the one and only Dave Strider. For goodness’ sake, you are 20 years old and giving a god the silent treatment! But you are as stubborn as you are impatient so you keep waiting.

It’s been two hours and this is just getting ridiculous. You had to move to a small gazebo that took at least 15 minutes to find because it started raining! The bench you’re seated on is dripping from your clothing, your hair is plastered to your face, and you had to remove your shades so they wouldn’t get wet. Now your eerie red eyes are searching the darkened environment for any sign of an unnatural being.

You hear him long before you see him, but when he does finally stumble into your small clearing… you decide that wait was worth it. The guy is completely drenched head to toe! You can barely make out his inner stars through his soggy wool sweater.

“Strider.” Oh fuck, he’s seething. “What in the bulge-writhing FUCK do you need so desperately? If it’s a brain, I’m sorry to say that we are out of those since you keep killing everyone’s brain cells! You have created an entirely functionless society all by yourself. I’d give you a medal if there was anyone left who could figure out how to make one!”

“What’s a bulge?” Fuck, this dude just turned redder than your eyes. He’s just staring at your face and you can see the rage fueling his entire body make his right eye twitch.

“Why. Why in the fucking world would you ask that! Why would I be tormented with someone as exhausting as you! Is this all my failures coming back to get me all at once? Is this cosmic karma?”

“I’m just joking around, man.” He fails to look amused. “Just get up here, would you? Can’t get wet from rain if there is something above you.” Cancer takes a deep breath and exhales before joining you. “So, do you have actual names or should I just call you Cancer?”

“Yes, we have actual names you insufferable pimple on the ass-cheek of humanity.”

“And yours would be?” He glares at you, “C’mon, if you don’t work with me, I’m just going to have to make something up and assume I’m right.”

“Of course, you would.” You look at him expectantly. “My name is Karkat Vantas.”

“That is a treasure trove of nick names just waiting to exist.”

“You come up with even one and I will end your pathetic existence. I already have enough as is.”

“That’s just cruel. Show a starving man a buffet and then forbid him from eating? How could you be so heartless?”

 “Because I have no shits left to give. Now will you tell me what you wanted?”

 “Oh shit, yeah. So, why are you here?”

 “You called for me, you tell me.”

  “Not what I meant Vantas and you know it. Why are you back and interfering with humans again?”

  “Because like anything I help to create, you have finally fucked up to an outrageous extent.”

  “You should probably talk to someone about that self-loathing bit you have going on there.”

  “Did I ask for your input? No, I didn’t. So why was it given?”

  “You’re getting off topic. How have we fucked up this time?”

  “Oh, I’M getting off topic? That’s rich considering you’re the one who changed it in the first place!”

  “Answer my question asshole.”

 “And he has grown a backbone, congratulations to one Dave Strider for finally finding one slight piece of humanity for himself.” Something cracks in you and you’re at his throat with your sword.

“What was that about my backbone?” You hiss through your teeth at him. Fear flashes across his face and disappears in an instant. He pushes the blade away hard enough to draw some of his blood. Both of you pause at the sight and you immediately back off. Karkat quickly pulls his sleeve over it and holds it tight.

“You either have a lot of guts or stupidity and I’m betting on the later based off what I’ve seen so far.” He hisses in pain for a moment. “When I said that you have fucked up, I’m talking about the fact that your sister has fallen in love with Virgo. Proactively so. Rose has been working on methods to stay with Virgo forever. Nothing she will try will work. It’s not like she is the first to try.”

“No, Rose would have told me something that important. I’m her best friend and her closest relative. She wouldn’t keep me in the dark like that.”

“She might, considering how much you detest the Zodiacs. She may not have meant for it to go this far, but this is what the situation is.”

“Say I believe you, which I don’t. How long would this have hypothetically have gone on?”

“Several years. Enough for them to both be totally enamored by the other. Virgo is one of my closest friends and I can’t stand to see her be hurt again because no matter how hard she tries, Rose will fail. She will eventually die and Virgo will keep living. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. There’s also a likely chance that Rose could fuck a lot of shit up along the way on her quest for immortality. That’s not something I can risk.”

“She’s a human, what could she possibly do against the Zodiacs besides stabbing someone with a knitting needle?”

“More than I’m going to tell you. That’s why the marriage is necessary. It will distract Rose and provide more eyes into her doings. It may also help her fall in love with someone of her own kind that is also mortal. She could do a lot of damage. Division amongst your kingdoms yet again over her choice, more war and more death. You can help save her, Dave. You can help save everyone. You’re a fighter, so now fight to keep everyone safe.” His words just hit too close to home. This is what you’ve been raised for. You’re a protector of those who aren’t strong enough to fend for themselves. Be that mentally or physically. It’s who you were taught to be. “Fight for Rose.”

“I’ll do it. Whatever I have to do to keep her safe. Just tell me.” Karkat almost seems surprised at your agreement. He coughs and takes a step back to begin pacing.

“Now that your brain is present, we can talk.” His eyes flick from the ground to meet your own before resuming examining the floor. “As you know, I’ve already set the marriage plan in motion. It’s the best I could come up with on short notice.”

“Yeah, thanks for that. Wish it wasn’t a thing, but hey whatever. It’s not like it’s your future its affecting or anything.”

“What’s the problem now, Strider?”

“We grew up as enemies! We were told they murdered our parents and no matter how much proof you show or give or whatever, there is always going to be that distrust there! It’s been there too long now. Plus, they are complete strangers. I don’t know how much you know about humans, but that kind of thing usually doesn’t end well. We’re all going to end up so damn miserable with each other that we can’t effectively govern anymore.”

“I don’t see you coming up with any other plans! How about helping instead of just criticizing!”

“Hire a fake priest! Fake official means fake ceremony. Done deal. Virgo thinks Rose is no longer available and learns to live on and Rose gets saved from the rabbit hole she’s fallen down into.”

“That’s probably a shitty idea, but I’m out of energy to debate it right now. Has my approval so far.”

“Great. One more question.”

“Fine. What?”

“Why did Scorpio think we were betraying her?”

“She was a giant, heinous bitch. Who fucking knows. I need to leave before someone notices I’ve been gone this long.”

“Okay, but I’m calling your ass up again tomorrow. Meet me here when I do.”

“Fuck that. If I must talk to you again tomorrow, I’m not risking rain. Better tidy your room up Strider. Talk to Rose and figure out what you can. Who knows what plans she’s hatching. Not great ones if she shares your genes. Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll fuck up her plan to where she can’t do it anymore. Where she’ll have to admit she was wrong. See you next time, Stri-douche.” He disappears around a corner and you race to follow behind. You stay near him and watch as he steps onto a circular metal platform and his body evaporates.

Your twin wants to elope with a goddess. You just met with a god and put a sword at his throat. You’re now playing a game that you really don’t want to play and people are going to get hurt one way or another. What the hell has your life come too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I'm totally posting this chapter like a week and a half later than I originally said... Sorry about that. Since the last update I have had pneumonia, had to drop a super important class, quit one of my jobs, had 3 panic attacks, had to call 911 for a classmate, had to drag college freshmen through a group project, had a family member pass away, went to negative 100 in my bank account, and come close to ending the only friendship I really have left at the moment. SO. Yeah I've been a little preoccupied. BUT! I should be able to update 2 more chapters before next Monday!!! Hopefully!!! Don't quote me on that, but I will! try! my! best!  
> Love y'all and sorry about the wait!!! <3  
> (And if u ever wanna hmu or bug me about this fic, I'm poyitjdr on tumblr as well!)


	5. Master Lesbian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is like Hagrid because neither know how to keep their damn mouths shut. Aka Dave learns some shit, he and Karkat talk about being matchmakers, and the Dersite twins have a Bonding Moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there will be a little bit of 'Johndave' coming up, but John is not a "homosexual" so it's more like really awkward friendship. Also, I don't ship them at all really? Anyways, there will be more in later chapters on that. I'm going to tag it anyways lol.

“Karkat. Karkitty. Kartaco. Karkles. Karkalicious. Karkamel.” It’s been a day since you’ve seen the asshole and you have things to ask.

  
“Why in the fresh, sweet hell are you saying those ridiculous words?” Ah, there’s the special boy! He drops down onto your window seat with a thunk and you pull yourself more onto your cushion.

  
“You’re right. Karkat is pretty damn ridiculous.” The fury in his eyes could fuel a thousand suns. This is hilarious. “So why did u set us up boy-girl, boy-girl when one of those girls is the Master Lesbian?”

  
“It seemed logical due to your inferior reproduction system.” This guy talks more with his hands then he does his mouth. How does he have any energy left over after that?

  
“Are you talking shit about Dave Jr.? Cause I assure you, he’s working just fine.” Heh, you made a dick joke. It’s always a good time for a dick joke.

  
“That’s disgusting and I certainly did NOT need to know that information about your pathetic bulge. I was talking about the human reproduction system as a whole, you intergalactic space shit.”

  
“I don’t want to know about your glowing alien monster babies. What I do want to know is if we can convince the Prospitian heirs to trade partners because Rose is-"

  
“Because Rose is the Master Lesbian. I know. You said that already. Switch if you want, why would I give two shits? Or any shits at all?”

  
“You need to lay off the dairy. That should help fix your shitting problem. Anyways, next question.”

  
“Oh great.” Karkat rolls his eyes and you take some time to stretch and pop your back. There’s a couple of cracks that make him stare at your midsection in horror. So, you crack your neck, then your knees, then your fingers. You wish you had a way to save what his face looks like in this moment. His top lip is pulled up to his gum line, his eyebrows are incredibly creased, and he’s leaning away from you like an offended cat. “Humans are disgusting.”

  
“You’ve obviously never felt the satisfaction of popping something. Human biology is obviously superior just for that. Speaking of humans, what are we going to do about our fake priest? If the two kingdoms are supposedly uniting and then everyone finds out it was void and planned that way, it’s going to end real bad for Derse.”

  
“Fuck, that sucks for you.” That smug bastard is smirking!

  
“It’s going to suck for you when Rose decides that means being with Virgo is the only way out of the giant political shit storm that will be taking place. Also, you’re an asshole and fuck off.”

  
“My being an asshole is beside the point.” He pauses for a moment. “What if you agree to the partner switch and we help Rose and Jade fall in love?”

  
“Okay and what if they don’t? What then? Why would it be so horrible for Rose and Virgo to try to be happy together.”

  
“Virgo would try to make Rose immortal and it wouldn’t work. Or she would try to become mortal again. And shit would not go well. Balance with the rest of the zodiacs would be thrown completely out of whack and we would fall apart. So, you would lose your gods protection and it’d be apocalyptic. That’s why.”

  
“What do you mean, mortal again? Have you not always been immortal?”

  
“It wouldn’t be the first time a zodiac has tried something like this.” That was such a poor dodge that even you noticed it.

  
“Have you ever tried? Becoming mortal, I mean.”

  
“No? Being a god is pretty goddamn great for the most part.”

  
“You’ve never loved a human so much that you would do anything for them? How do you know that Virgo wont still try?”

  
“I don’t, but I can’t just sit there and watch her throw everything we’ve worked for away. We’ve been through too much for it too end like this.”

  
“You’re gods. What the fuck have you gone through?"

  
“There used to be 12 of us. And now there are only 4. Cancer, Virgo, Libra, and Capricorn- who is locked away because, and I quote ‘fuck that guy’. Without Virgo, we will fall apart.”

  
“How did the others die?”

  
“Wow, way to sugar coat that asshole. Besides Scorpio, they died before we became gods.”

  
“Before?” What.

  
“It’s like you don’t know how to listen. Yes, before. Scorpio died a just death. She was a bitch and I would thank you if it hadn’t fucked everything up for us.” What does he mean by a “just death”? How did they become immortal? Were they human before they were gods?

  
“Dave! Are you in there?” Your sister is now knocking on your door. You share a grim look with Cancer and motion for him to come closer so you can whisper in his ear.

  
“Oh, shit K to the cat, you better scat.” Oh and if looks could kill.

  
“Fuck you too, Strider.” With that he’s gone through the servant exit. You call out for your sister to come in and she does so. She’s changed to her simple lavender gown with light embroidery on the edges. It’s what she wears for horseback riding. Her platinum hair is a total mess and there are bits of dirt on her face. Her face is swollen from crying; her eyes are red. If you didn’t know better, you would swear this upset creature in front of you wasn’t your sister.

  
“Hey Rosie, what do you need?” You try and look relaxed cuddled up next to your window overlooking the courtyard. You’re playing his game.

  
“Nothing really, though there are many things I would like. For example, I’d like to know who you were talking to just now.”

  
“See you ask me that question all the time and I think it’s just not getting through to you. I was talking to myself, naturally.”

  
“Ah yes, naturally. How could I ever forget your totally normal habits?”

  
“You’re just too distracted by charm from such close proximity.” She’s across the room. “Anyways, we need to talk about Virgo.” She is starting to launch into a defensive stampede that will wear both of you out, so you hold up your hand. “I already know about you two, Rose. I’m your twin brother. Of course I’m going to notice when you’re in love with someone. What I really want to know is how you’re handling the marriage thing with that in mind."

  
“Truth be told, I could be doing a lot better. I miss her, Dave. She’s the most incredible being I’ve ever met and I love her more than I can say. I’m scared of that and I’m scared of being forced to marry someone I can’t love and I’m tired of being scared. Why can’t Cancer just let us be happy together?”

  
“You really love her, don’t you?”

  
“More than anything.”

  
“Maybe that’s why then. Maybe he’s worried about what you two might do to stay together. What you might sacrifice for that. Who you could end up hurting along the way.”

  
“Maybe there is some truth to that. But, it’s not fair to not let us try. She makes me feel complete. It’s like she can see inside my soul and still accepts me with all my faults. There’s this connection with her that I have never felt with anyone.”

  
“Just when I think you can’t get any gayer. Sigh. She’s a goddess Rose. Do you think there is any way this can end well? Where no one is hurt and where the both of you are happily together? Cause I’m not seeing that happening.”

  
“I’m, I’m still working on that part.”

  
“Rose, I love you, but don’t you think it would be for the best if you both moved on? We can’t live forever like they can.”

  
“But what if there was a way? What if we could live forever and become gods like the Zodiacs?”

  
“There isn’t. They’ve been around forever, do you think you are the first human they wish could be immortal? I seriously doubt it.”

  
“No, but I may be the first human to have a solution.”

  
“What are you talking about? What solution?” What is she getting herself into? She’s about to answer when there is a loud knock and a servant walks in with afternoon tea. You both gratefully accept and bid them on their way. By the time you are alone again, Rose has dropped the subject entirely. You sigh and begin to accept that Cancer may be right. Which means you need to talk to the Prospitian heirs about switching so Rose can have a chance at happiness with Jade. Sometimes life requires sacrifice. Or a party to celebrate the announcement. “Hey, Rose.”

  
“Hmm?”

  
“What if we held a ball in honor of our engagement to the Prospitians? We could begin to unite our court and see if they would like to switch partners. I wouldn’t mind having John on my arm. Plus, Jade literally said to my face that she would be miserable if we were married. Use your gay to save us, Rose. Please.”

  
There’s a light snort in response and a smile has snuck its way onto your sister’s face. GOAL! “I think that would be fine, Dave. I would hate for you to be unhappy. Plus, I suppose you are right about uniting the courts. I guess we’re throwing another ball. Except I’m not doing all the work this time, so don’t you even try to get out of it. I could use your sense of humor around for a while.”

  
“Hell yeah, let’s throw a party. We’re doing this, sis.” You hold out your fist to her.

  
“We’re making this happen.” She smiles and fist bumps you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that! Another chapter. Holy fuck. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals!  
> I have waaaaaaaay to much fun thinking of nicknames for Karkat. (I'm supes proud of myself)  
> Anyways, this chapter pretty heavily hints that the trolls played the game and won ofc they're some official badasses. Vriska lived like in the retcon timeline in the comic just so I could kill her off again (and so my lesbian ass can bring her up again. she's a fascinating character, okay?!)  
> Rose is up to something and I'm sure pretty much everyone can guess what she's thinking of doing. This is why I don't write mysteries. I am also like Hagrid and Karkat and I can't keep my mouth shut. Whoops.  
> I still love y'all and hope you're enjoying whatever this is!

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be one hell of a fic. I have so many ideas and so little time to write, but I will do my best to update every Tuesday. I only have the first 4 chapters or so typed, so it might get a little hectic after that. Anyways, I hope you enjoy what I hope to be an exciting and entertaining fic!


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